Why Are We Lonelier Than Ever?

Loneliness sucks. It pushes us to make stupid life decisions (like texting back that ex), blows up our health and stages a continual assault on our mental fortitude.

And as the ol’ cliché goes: you don’t have to be physically alone to feel lonely.

That’s because “loneliness” is code for “emotional loneliness.” That is to say, other human beings may be within arm’s reach, but you seldom feel a deep connection. You sense between you a painful distance. And that pain puts the fake in your fake-smile.

we’ve all been there.

Literally, everyone goes through a certain period of emotional solitude. Some embrace it. Heck, some even crave it. But most of us hate it. And so, we venture to find something to fill it like concrete in a pothole. And that’s exactly where we go wrong.   

But let’s back up. Because there are some neat studies on this. The coolest thing to me is that experts can’t pinpoint why America is more lonely than ever. Which may just be because society was never as vulnerable with our emotions like we are now. Anyway, I’ll limit my conjecture and spit a few findings from some neat studies.

• Loneliness is now considered an epidemic in America.

• 1 in 4 people say they have no one to talk to about important things (like going through a breakup, or brag about a job promotion).

• Generation Z adults (ages 18-22) is the loneliest generation (68% report that no one really knows them).

• A study found that 41% of Britons say the TV or a pet is their main source of company, and the U.K. has created a ­cabinet-­level minister to deal with the problem of rampant loneliness.

• In Japan, there are more than half a million people under 40 who haven’t left their house or interacted with anyone for at least six months.

The reports also found there were no specific personal characteristics that made a person prone to loneliness—such as attractiveness, socioeconomic status, male, female—whatever; no clear link between loneliness and any specific human quality. Which is odd because logic might tell us that the weirdos or socially unacceptable are who suffer from this. Not true. Oddly, there seems to be no discernible trend. The point being, you can be lonely no matter who you are. Paris Hilton openly talks about her walks with isolation—and she’s one of the most beloved, popular humans ever.  

So what’s happening; why do we feel disconnected in a hyper-connected world?  

The old dudes might, from their rocking chair, point at a millennial and say it’s because “they’re on their gal-dern phone all gal-dern day!”

That, to me, is a symptom, not the underlying disease.

I’ll start with my meritless, armchair opinion then move on to what the experts say.

I think we’ve lost all reason to foster community in modern America. Consider this: unlike most species in the animal kingdom, our willingness and social desire to work together allowed us to build incredible civilizations and face impossible tasks— like going to war, landing on the freakin’ moon, standing up for political sovereignty…all the way to developing the internet. Our collective intelligence and social savvy are what propelled our ability to tackle big problems together—thus fostering community. We went to church together, we stood up for equality together, we rebelled against a tyrant-nation together, WE USED TO NEED EACH OTHER TO DO THINGS!

But in a time when our basic needs are met for the majority of Americans, no immediate crisis poses threat, and technology takes care of just about anything we are in the mood for—we stopped relying on our fellow neighbor for anything. Think about it. We live in one of the greatest times in human history in one of the greatest countries of all time, what the hell do we need each other for now?

So, my theory is that we have fewer reasons to “band together” to do —anything, and so, we don’t; leaving us, literally, to our own devices.  

Ok here are the noteworthy things experts say about this loneliness epidemic, which aren’t so unparalleled to my thoughts.

Grandpa was right: social media is kicking our gal-dern ass.

The thing is, boomers recognize that authentic human connection is the most important thing in life. They grew up in the pre-internet era where they took time to meet and hang out with their neighbors. Their social group was 30% bigger. One report found in 1974, a third of Americans spent time socially with their neighbors several times a week. Now, only 19% do. Generation Z never grew up in a time like that. Z-ers were born after the coming of the internet. They grew up with smartphones in their palms, Facebook influencing their literal social status and Netflix reinventing chill. No longer is face-to-face necessary for social connection. But this is confusing because we think the happiest people have at least 100k followers on Insta. But, dude, people pay for that. And that’s sad af.

Check this shit out:

In your life, you spend a collective total of 3 years and 5 months eating and drinking—you know, the way you get nutrition, so you don’t die.

In your life, you spend a collective total of 5 years and 4 months on social media.

Like, if you sat on the couch and did not eat drink, sleep, have sex, go to the bathroom and only interacted with social media for 5 straight years, that would be the equivalent of how much time you spend half-laughing at memes and stalking your ex-bestie by the time you die (presuming you are an American adult).

Know how much time we used to spend on social media for all of human history until now? Yeah, zippo. You know how much time people spent wishing there was something like social media to fill up 2 hours of their daily life? Yeah, freakin’ zip. Dash. O. I mean, we already spend 5 hours watching TV. Which compounds to an average of 7 hours of individual entertainment daily. Don’t we work something close to that every day too? (yep, 7 hours is the average workday). Man, our lives are awesome.

The thing is, they actually are awesome. We are just a little stuck in consumerism, not communion. (please take note of how awesome a one-liner that is. Thank you.)

On a solemn note, apparently suicide rate for teenage girls has shot up in the last few years. One researcher explained that social media allows the psychological warfare that young ingenues wage on each other to become legitimately deadly. In other words, when the dudes bully each other, they are much more physically confrontational; they’ll punch it out, then laugh and fart about it later. But the ladies assault a social-enemy’s self-esteem. They purposely make other girls feel left out or unpretty, inadequate. Imagine the mean girls with the ability to post a Facebook status.

 I could go on. Because there really are a million reasons we are lonely. But you only need one thing to beat it. 

Reach out.

For one, lonely people tend to blame their loneliness on other people. Which is neither accurate nor helpful.  They bemoan abstract sentiments a middle school emo kid might pen between the teardrops on their notepad (yeah, that was me). Tropes such as, “No one understands me” or “No one likes me” provide a pretty convenient way to avoid all inward reflection, thus missing experiencing any benefit of true solitude. I’m not saying it’s easy. But no one hears whom you blame in your head (or cares even if you do utter it aloud). I’m not trying to give you some Mark Manson tough love. I’m just reminding you of the facts. Your problems are yours alone. As everyone’s are everyone else’s. And you can get through it, solve it and live a life you want.

Connecting with the right people is important to your health and life—find a way to connect. Reach out to people you’d like people to reach out to you. “Hey, you want to do something stupid?” “Hey, if you ever need a buddy to go ghost-hunting with, I’m always game!” “Hey, I need some advice on a paper I’m writing, mind if I call you for a quick consult?”

One of my favorite things that one of my friends does is call just to check in. Literally, out of the blue, he’ll ring me up just to ask how life is going. We’ll talk a few minutes and hang up. Such a simple gesture like that can truly change someone’s day. I started doing that with my own friends and I have never not been thanked by them.

You can easily make this kind of thing a habit. But DON’T WASTE THEIR TIME. People can sniff out when others are using them for their attention. Be genuine.

And it will definitely take some effort. Of course, effort may not come easily if you’re suffering through depression and emotional isolation. But remember, you are an awesome person. You have so many reasons for people to like you. You just have to show them that.

Also, try embracing your loneliness a little. It can be a great way to get to know the real you.

Also, also, once you’ve escaped the dungeon of loneliness, make it a habit to check on your people. Make sure the humans around you aren’t suffering because, according to a study, 46% of them are.

Reach out.